Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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