thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
