I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
