Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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