You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
