I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
