i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
