I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
