Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
