The maid of honor just puked.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
