those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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