I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
