girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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