Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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