also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
