do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
