I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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