gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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