Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
