You're earring is so big in my mouth
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize