the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
