We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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