Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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