Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
