I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize