we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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