I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize