remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize