I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
