I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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