i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
