Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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