I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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