my phone needs a breathalizer
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he thought i was a dude.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
