Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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