i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
