): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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