From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
