thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
