I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
