i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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