Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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