dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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