Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
