I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
