Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
