cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
