i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize