i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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