I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
