Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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