If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
