Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We have started to decorate penises.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
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