driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
