Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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