i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
