Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
